Have you ever come face to face with how someone else perceives you and discovered that what they perceive is ugly and not something you would ever seek or claim? I have, many times I'm sure, but two times come leaping to mind. One was in college. One was last night.

I don't want to talk about last night as I am seeking to honor what others might see and think if they read this (see earlier entries). But talking about college may be helpful.

In my joking way I said something I thought was silliness to a fellow (female) student and friend, that was taken entirely differently by her boyfriend. Let's just say that, in hindsight, it was a bit flirtatious and suggestive. I honestly did not perceive what I said as that "wrong" at the time, but once I heard what her boyfriend had to say to me, let's just say that I saw things differently. I saw myself differently. And I was ashamed.

That was a profoundly humbling experience for me. It was is if I came face to face with the real me, the me that I wanted crucified with Christ (and thought had been already). I lost a certain swagger in my walk that day. I lost a bit of self-deception, too. What I don't know is if what happened last night is of the same variety. Was the ugly, proud, controlling person someone else saw in me, actually me?

I hope not. But I do knnow this. Regardless of what I hope, what this person saw in me was not wholly an illusion. There was, I am sure, some measure of truth in the perception, maybe more than I would like there to be.


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