weakness and strength

O God,

I am weak. I have read recently (re-read, actually) that the only true leader is strong leader. Most of the time I do not feel anything near strong. I feel embattled, defeated and useless. I go away and pray and sense your leading (I think) and then come into a conversation in which my views are so challenged that I doubt everything. I doubt you. I doubt me. I doubt my abilities and gifts. I wonder if leading is what I'm called to do, truly. I fancy a retreat center, in the mountains, where I can be a spiritual director for those who hunger for more of you.

I want to value the community process. I want go where God leads, even if the community doesn't yet see it. I am conflicted and weak. And I wonder, is a leader a leader if no one follows?


At 9:50 PM, Blogger djchuang said...

wow, what honest, poignant words.. words of a genuine prayer, comes down to depending on God to make sense of what leading is about, when it doesn't make all that much sense.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Luke said...

No one follows? Jesus himself, on earth, had at best eleven who really followed... and most of them didn't really "get it."

I understand the problem. Sometimes it feels that trying to make spiritual progress is like trying to push a big pile of Jello up a hill... and I'm not even in your position...

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Lora McPherson said...

I find that when I am in a leadership role, whether I do a good job or have a gift for leading or not, people will watch and sometimes follow. There is nothing worse than being in a role you are not gifted for-- it's an awfully uncomfortable place-- but sometimes you are in the position and you just have to run with it, knowing God is our adequacy. It's important to not let perfection or fear get in the way. There is a Proverb that says (in the Living Bible version) that if you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. As far as fear, it's good to admit our fears, but we have to work on not allowing fear to take over and stop us from acting. What do we have to lose?

At 1:06 PM, Blogger stacey said...

Lora, thanks for the words and thoughts. I think running with it is exactly where I am. I have a framed pack of sugar (yes, I said "framed") on my desk. I framed it because it came from a restuarant where all the sugar packs had conversation starters on them. This one reads: "If you knew no fear, what would you do?" I need reminding of that every now and then. Thanks for taking the time to do so.


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